Between Alaska and Russia

I know those coasts.

I remember, it was an long time ago, but I do remember those coasts. They were flat and motionless in the textbook in my Geography class, but I still know them.

So that's where I am now. I'm right between Alaska and Russia.

I remember when someone told me you could travel between Russia and Alaska in a hot air balloon in under 20 minutes. I didn't believe him, and I never cared to really check whether it was true or not. That was highschool.

Maybe I'll find out today, if island travels at the same speed as hot air balloon.

As I look over the side, I can just barely see the waves down below. They look like ripples, small and gentle.

I remember my friends back when I was really young, Danny, good ol' Danny, and Mick (His name was really Michael); I remember how we'd drop stones into the water - we didn't skip them, just dropped them straight down while we spoke on the ledge over the river below. There were always stones. We would toss them down each night, and there were never any less than the last day.

We got the best view of the sun setting over the mountains, those evenings. Back then, there were no homes there - Just lots of grass and hills far as you could see.

I remember the last night we stood there, the three of us, altogether, an unbroken bond since we were toddlers, and now we were 12.

People aren't like stones.

When one falls away, when one sinks into the current, you notice. You notice that the next day, somethings missing from its original place.

I still don't know if he did it on purpose. It used to haunt me, but I don't think about it much anymore. I haven't for a long time, why he did it, I mean. The image though, that haunts me every night.

I still distinctly remember how the blood swirled through the water, around the rocks as though it were no different from the current, and though I inwardly screamed and begged, it would not turn around; it would not go back into Danny's split-up head; it would not revive him. It just kept on floating away.

I remember watching that blood swirl down the river and into the hills, so intently that I didn't look up when Mick screamed and ran off to go get help.

I haven't looked up since then. I've still been staring down at Danny's body, which is no longer there, bleed into that river, which is also no longer there, and flow into that sunset, which no longer exists there.

I have still been looking down that cliff-face. 'He was just beside me. He was right there.' I wondered in disbelief. 'He was right there.'

Right there, tears dripping from his bruised sockets, his voice a keening whine as he told us about his parents, the truth about them, and why we were never allowed to go to his house.

And then he was gone, seeping away into the waters below.

Then he was gone.

_______________

I looked down into the casket at Danny's stone-cold face, trying to find some life in it, and finding nothing but the memory. I don't know how long I stood there before I turned, feeling a hand on my shoulder.

Mick looked at me, sadness in his eyes that mirrored mine. He needed solace as much as I did.

I pushed him away by the shoulder. "Don't go sneaking up on people like that." I muttered at him. "Leave me alone." I turned my back to him again.

Mick said nothing, but after an eternally long pause, I heard his footsteps as he walked away from me towards the other funeral-goers.

He and I haven't spoken since then.

_________

I saw the tears she tried to hold back. We hadn't been together very long, but she adored me, I knew, and I was beginning to adore her too - there was nothing not to adore about her, and I could feel my heart fracture as I did this.

Even now, though, I was looking down into the ravine - I didn't want to get attached to this corpse.

"I'm sorry, I just really don't think it's going to work out."

"Why?" She asked, keeping her composure as best she could. She was always too proud to shed tears in front of others.

"I just don't think it will work, and I think you deserve better." Lies. We were perfect for each other. I could feel this deep down.

"Fine." She said, before turning and walking hurriedly away, trying to get away before the tears broke free.

I never spoke to her again.

__________

As I thought about my parents since that day, I was filled with the worry that they would leave me. I knew they would, in fact, and they did.

I went to a boarding school far away. Once it was time to find a highschool, that is what I aimed for. I had to start preparing for the inevitable. I had to save myself from the pain.

When my parents wanted to visit, I made an excuse for them not to, and I kept our phone calls brief, and all the while told myself 'You are talking to a stranger. You are talking to a stranger.'

Eventually I believed it. I never went back home. My parents came to visit, they called, they tried when I was in college, and even when I got a home all the way across the nation. They tried, and I pitied them for trying.

I remember getting the phone call when mom died; my dad was in tears. I tried to act sad, I really did, but I couldn't even remember my mom's face.

The phone call ended with my father calling me a bastard and hanging up.

I haven't spoken to him since. I wonder if he's still alive.
_______________

I never really felt a new sort of pain since then, and the pain I've felt when staring down into Danny's eyes just became normal. Tolerated, usually. In times when I don't think about it too much.

It sort of hurts now, but I think its for a different reason. I just don't feel right. I don't think I have for a long while.

The landmasses are passing on each side of us, me and the island. I feel like we're one and the same, up high and alone.

I don't remember when I ended up here, or how. I think it was something I was just building up to, like it was bound to happen. Then, one day, it just was.

To the left of me, I can see the sun start to drift down. It's as though its coming together with the earth, sinking into it.

It reminds me of back then, back during those days when the sun would set behind the hills.

I was really happy then. Not like now. I'm not happy now, not sad either - I'm not really anything. I never really realized that.

Maybe its just the way the sun is setting, or the way the waves are crashing. I don't know. All of this just seems like a dream now. I wish it was.

Looking down, I can see pebbles tumbling away. This thing is always breaking, and losing parts of itself.

I wonder if it misses itself like I do.

I wonder if it will miss me.

However, pebbles aren't like people.

I remember this as I stand up and inhale the cold air. It's freezing up here.

'Pebbles aren't like people.'

I think this, and pray I won't sink. I inhale again, and my nose burns straight into my brain. Its been so cold.

I've been so cold until now.

As I stare out into the sunset, I see those days back in my childhood. Before those houses. Before Danny fell.

Today, I fell.

I plunged through the air that seemed to every year I had not looked up. Now I did though.

I stared up as the island began to fall from me, and I felt strange tears be pulled from my eyes.

Then I saw him, looking down at me and smiling. His head was split open, but it didn't seem to bother him, so it didn't bother me either. He waved.

I waved back, and smiled as well. I felt very sure of myself in that moment.

I felt very sure of everything around me.

Water crashed around me and swallowed me into it's deep ripples. It was so sudden, and so cold.

I took in a lungful of water, and choked.

It was the first breath of the rest of my life.